Here's a transcript of my last exchange with john de ruiter, for those who are interested:
Jason: Hello, John. My name is Jason. We met once in London. A big part of me didn’t want to come here tonight. I think you know why. I feel like knowing you has cost me everything. But, there’s no going back, now that I do know you. So I’ve been asking myself, what do I want to ask John? Why do I want to speak to John? What does my person want here when my person knows that there’s nothing here for it. It seems like the only reason I would want to speak to you is for some sort of pain relief, even though I know that there’s not going to be any of that. So then the only other thing I can think is that I want a personal connection to you or I want to discover if there is a personal connection, if such a thing it possible, or if it matters. I had an absent father who was not present and, so there’s a big hole in my life and you were big enough to fill that hole. You have visited me in my dreams, you have taken me into your own realms, and so I feel that in a sense like I’m yours, but I know it’s not about you the person, or you the man, but a way that you embody. And I don’t know if this is leading to a question or not I’m just… Maybe I’d like if possible for you to ask a question because I feel that I trust you more than I trust myself to ask the right question, if that’s possible.
(5 minute silence)
John: You have been awakened, awakened to the profound reality within. It moves you, by your own awareness in it ~ it apprehends you. You know it’s bigger than all of the self that you’re accustomed to. More than your self, it’s more than your person and your life. You’ve been awakened to greater reality within. Once awakened to that you are also called to that. You have yet to apprehend that within that has already apprehended you. You have yet to surrender to your own deeper, real knowledge within. You see into much more than what your self is of and what your life is of. There won’t be, as you know, any rest for you until you are surrendered and completely at rest in all that within that you know the truth of. You already know that your surface existence doesn’t belong to your surface existence. It belongs to your knowing and to your seeing. This that your knowing isn’t an interesting category within yourself that you can bring into your life to add greater meaning. This that your knowing and seeing and in touch with within is what you come from. It is what you completely belong to. Everything that’s yours belongs to the same that you belong to.
Jason: I do know this. I’ve known it for a long time but knowing and understanding are not the same, and I knew it for many years but I didn’t understand it and so I tried to make it mine and I tried to make it an interesting category in my life and I tried to turn myself into The One, or the Messiah, or the Anti-Christ, pulled it down into my person and it became a great distortion, a false awakening. And now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It seems like I’m not supposed to do anything, but it also feels like I’m waiting for something and what I’m waiting for is, whatever words I gave it would still be completely abstract, and so whatever it is that’s most real for me is you. So then it feels like I’m waiting for you, or that I’m waiting on you, or that you’re waiting on me. I.. so again this personal, this need to make it personal. Am I waiting for something? Is there anything that I need to do?
(three minute silence)
John: This within that you’re awakened to, as you know, doesn’t come from your self. Meaning then, that your response to it isn’t going to be about your self. It’s going to be all about what you know within, this already is. It isn’t going to be about your person or your life. Your lack of understanding of what your calling within is all about doesn’t hinder your surrender to it. You don’t need further understanding for you to surrender to, belong to, enter and be this that calls you within. Understanding of what you know the truth of within doesn’t come before to be turned into it. For you to figure it out first from a distance, it will only reinforce and solidify that distance. What closes the distance within is the response in your heart to this. There is, if there is any waiting, it is the waiting of your own heart’s agreement that you know the truth of, not a mental agreement ~ a full heart agreement, a full heart surrender. Real knowledge within is all in your heart, no longer being separate from what you know the truth of with your whole heart given to real knowledge. Your own soul, with all of your heart, to be loving the implications. The implications within yourself, your person and your life, of your turning into what you know. All of your forms will be occupied with waves of change instead of being aligned to likes and dislikes. As awareness you’ll be aligned to knowing. When you’re aligned to knowing then it is meaning that you are. Being that that meaning is. With all of your forms being there to access it.
Jason: When you say forms do you mean forms of action or what exactly?
John: Form of your being, form of your self, form of your person, the form of your whole life all belonging to you. Meaning there will be no disagreement anywhere within with meaning and knowing.
Jason: When you use the word ‘knowledge’ do you mean something different from when you use the word “knowing’?
John: Knowledge is what meaning knowing has.
Jason: So when you speak of knowledge you’re speaking of self-knowledge, of my person?
John: Not of your person, not even of your self. Knowledge of that that’s deeper than both and it’s within you. As soon as what you first are moves, as soon as meaning moves you have real knowledge. You’re aware of it in your self and in your person. It doesn’t make any difference at all what you’re being. That knowledge within first is. Despite anything that you’re being in your self this knowledge within is. It doesn’t change. It isn’t subject to your self, it isn’t subject to anything that you’re being, it isn’t subject to your life, it isn’t for anything that you’ve been living for, it isn’t for anything that you’ve been living as, it simply is there within you. Your reaction to it or your separation from it doesn’t change it. This first knowledge within is incorruptible. You can cover it but you can’t alter it. It resonates clear through anything you put on top of it. This knowing is you. You are waiting for you to agree with you. The you that you’re accustomed to within your self is you as awareness- separate from that within that you first are- you separate from you. A split of awareness manifesting as a split in your heart. What you give your heart to isn’t the same as the deepest that you know the truth of in your heart. In your heart you’re holding out from you own heart, from your own deeper heart. The split continues into all of your self, within all of your person.
Jason: Thank you, John.
John: What are you going to do?
Jason: I’m going to agree with my self.
John: And that won’t be making meaningful decisions. It will be meaning making decisions. Your decisions as meaning will be uncharacteristic to what self you had. You will be that way. You’re entire self will change. The very patterning of your self won’t remain the same. You’ll be meaning that has a being. A meaning with being that has a self. A meaning-being-self in person moving through life, doing from within that that you first are. You won’t be governed anymore by emotions and will, feeling. Meaning-you, Meaning-knowing will be covering, integrating everything that you haven’t integrated yet. A massive clean, clear growing up of the innermost outwards manifesting an entire life. Being that which you are born for. Meaning the full, complete coming into you.
Jason: I see a flower opening.
John: It will petal your life instead of want and need doing so. You’ll be meeting every threshold in your self that you’ve been running away from. You’ll be healing every line within, every line of knowing that you’ve crossed. In a living way you’ll be healing yourself. You’ll be setting your self beautifully right.
Jason: I couldn’t have done it without you, John.
John: You’ll be as awareness, freeing yourself of bondage of unreason, freeing your self of the habitual misuse of reason. You’ll be freeing your self of the addiction to the misuse of reason. You’ll be setting your mind right. You’ll be thinking as reasonableness. You’ll be thinking with the sensitivity that love has. Your mind and your deep heart will be by you made to be congruent. Softness of heart with a sharp mind. Openness of heart with the will brought to one fine point, moved by meaning.
Jason: When you speak of the sharp mind I think of a sword, and I think of Christ saying that he brought the sword and not peace, and I think of how I’ve been a warrior for my whole adult life, until recently, when I felt it was time to put down my arms and surrender. Am I still a warrior?
(ten minute silence)