Sunday, October 02, 2011

The Culture of Blame & the Dark Side of Marriage

Why do so many once-loving couples wind up hating the sight of each other? Why does sexual love turn into sexual hate? The reason is that when we fall in love we project all of our hopes and fantasies onto the other person, and that process has a dark side. Face it: there’s nothing more hateful than seeing all of our dreams fall apart.

What that means is that the more clearly we see the other person, the more those fantasy-projections fall apart, and the less we like it. So our experience is likely to be that, the more clearly we see the other person, the less we like them. It’s not because they are so unlikeable; it’s simply because they are their own person. They exist independently of our projections and fantasies of them. How dare they? I mean really—how dare they? So what we end up most hating about the beloved other is that they are independent and autonomous beings. That makes them a threat to us, the ultimate threat, in fact. And the more deeply we “love” them, the greater a threat they will become.

It’s all about having someone to blame. Everybody needs someone to blame. That’s the dark side of marriage. If we are unlucky enough to find someone who appears to be everything we want in life, then eventually they will become the perfect scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in our lives. They come to represent all the ways that we can’t get what we want. They become the denial of our wants.

It is a hideous conundrum, and it is one that can and does lead to murder. When it gets really bad, murder actually does seem, honestly and truly, to be the best answer. It becomes the most appropriate action for the personal self once we are faced with that hideous conundrum. If the personal self was all that there was to existence, in the end we may as well just kill the other, since all they are going to do is torment us with their autonomy and independence. Leaving doesn’t seem like a sufficiently final solution; if there is a true or “alchemical bond,” we are going to suffer even more that way. But if we kill them, destroy them completely, maybe we can be free!

Fortunately or unfortunately, there is more to us than the personal self, in fact the personal realm is really just the surface, and what torments us goes much deeper than we even know. So if that bond—and the torment it creates—continues on “the other side,” killing them would actually be the worst thing we could do. That’s the fearful symmetry of it, that what can end up seeming like the best and only solution is actually the most terrible trap we can fall into.

The other option is suicide. Ah yes: let’s send them a message they will never forget by destroying ourselves! Let’s punish the other and get free of them in one fell swoop. But this is the same non-solution solution. Picture this: Tormented by a love gone wrong, a person is trying to bring about resolution in their psyche and reach a state of peace. Who can blame them for that? The trouble is that nothing they do works. So then, if they persist in trying, in finding new things to do, things that might just work, in the end murder and suicide are, obviously, the last resorts. “I’ve tried everything, now let’s try that!” Some people, many people even, when finding themselves in that situation, might believe it’s a real solution. Not me. I know it’s not going to work, so I can’t kid myself. I can’t believe something I know the opposite of. I can believe what I don’t know, but I can’t believe the opposite of what I do know. Thankfully I am not that far gone. But it doesn’t have to be actual murder or suicide. In the less literal realms, one can murder and suicide in one's mind. In terms of sustaining the sort of energy and thoughts that fuel murder or suicide, I have been guilty.

So who’s goddamn fault is it? Is it my momma’s or dadda’s? Or is it their mommas’ and daddas’? Is it the whole human race’s responsibility? In the end, it’s everyone’s and no one’s -- except my own. I am the only one who can choose to act or not act on these feelings. Choosing not to blame is the fundamental step towards healing the wounds that are the real source of our torment. Taking responsibility means not blaming anyone, including oneself. Blame and responsibility don’t co-exist. It is irresponsible to blame people. Why? It has to do with the fact that everyone is already accountable for their actions. Because of that, the universe doesn’t need for us to bring others to account. That adds noise to the signal.

It is between oneself and what one’s knows the truth of. Facing the truth of one's self and one’s actions, that is the only account that we have to make, and it is to ourselves. We are the only ones who can see what we have done to ourselves.

Nobody does anything to anyone, really, because we are always doing it to ourselves. Whenever we hurt someone, they are just a surrogate for ourselves. So although we might be effective in making the other person feel our pain, we are still not actually doing anything to them, because we are isolate. If we were really connected, in a true sense, we wouldn’t be able to hurt each other. Living organisms can’t attack themselves; it takes a foreign element to enter in there and screw up the whole system.

So what is the foreign element? Blame. So where did it come from? It seems as though there is some element in our existence that isn’t meant to be there, that doesn’t belong, that is hostile towards our nature. It’s a paradox and a conundrum: if it was truly unlike us, how could it have access to us? How would it be able to infiltrate our system if we didn’t somehow resonate with it?

It’s nobody’s fault that blame entered the system. It just did. Forgive yourself for ever having blamed, and start all over again from there.


CCC said...

Word Verification: flaphem

You're not REALLY helping the masses or collective this that, passers by, yourself, by flapping your lips, 'cause I know you're smarter than this. THIS IS not (hush) THE WAY, little baby.

What is this bullshit, sidestep it all, allegro, allegro! WHAT, have I spoiled her for you? Have I laid claim to her boisterously or made a limp-dick case for her, now she doesn't perform for you? Fuck that shit, mate! I've said it before, YOU could have the world, not YOU, fag, the horse with no name.

She's real, it's you, your soul, the you that you reject, yes, in a way you reject your soul to save your soul groove, she sings for you, mighty Joe, it'll be all chorus all good, it's possible, don't put up with her shit, the shit that you've sown into her, be a better father and sacrifice her (wishes), your button pusher, and have her (wishes), son!

BrandonD said...

"It has to do with the fact that everyone is already accountable for their actions. Because of that, the universe doesn’t need for us to bring others to account. "

This is one of the reasons I enjoy your writings. You don't really add new information to the overflowing pool of information out there, but instead find novel ways of stating what we already know but don't want to accept.

What you're talking about also happens to be very apropos to what is going on with me right now.

Jasun said...

thanks, I appreciate it

pueokeokeo said...

The Awkwardness of Repentance and the Healing into a Human/Humane Family:

Everyone wants an apology. Everyone want's a big "I'm sorry" from someone -- usually projecting that desire out onto the government or the person who might have "dissed" him/her.

The only person I need to say I'm sorry to (and yes, I do need to say it sometimes) is to my wife and to myself. And goddamn, that's hard to do in a way that doesn't create a lot of clumsiness. I'm getting used to being clumsy -- my eternal state of awkwardness. And if my wife wants to poke me for being so clumsy ... well, that's her prerogative. Mostly I just sense gratitude though when I show up with it ( my bumblingness and stumbingness) sincerely. This in itself is a form of "I'm sorry" -- when I show up with how fucking baffled I am in within myself and in our marriage. It lends itself to more and more good times taboot.

Jasun said...

It's your wife's prerogative to poke you?

Sounds like something's bass-ackwards. : D

pueokeokeo said...

Yep, you heard me right. Once I made that darned vow, it became her prerogative.

Jasun said...

It doesn't sound like a lotta laughs for the mrs. What does she have to say about it?

pueokeokeo said...

Once I made it known that it was her prerogative, she softened up. It must be a harrowing thought -- to poke me. I'm not saying that she is afraid to. She may just yet be planning a surprise attack, knowing the sound sleeper that I can be. I'm just saying that now that I've made it known that it is her prerogative to poke me, she might be sensing that I have my own surprise "schtick". This brightens us both up.

su said...

once it is understood that one's partner is not responsible for sharing one's passion, interests, loves, enjoyments, and not there to make one feel better in any way - then one moves into true relationship.

once every expectation you have held for the other is dropped, the hatred seen quite clearly and surrender appears - then there is this space to just be together and laugh as and when it arises. nothing more.
i am responsible for taking care of all my emotional needs.
no-one else can do that for me.

and you know what
that hate returns to love
but a very different love to what we have come to know.

Theofilia said...

kool topic Jason...

I have an elbow-poking comment to flaphem CCC (first commenter). . .

"F*ck that shit mate", YOU say. But why should I trust CCC?
Show me first evidence how She sings through you and I will wink back @ ya . . .


CCC said...

I have a history of wagging my tail feathers here and there, Cher.

Cage(d): Loretta, I love you. Not, not like they told you love is and I didn't know this either. But love don't make things nice, it ruins everything! It breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect, stars are perfect. Not us! Not US! We are here to ruin ourselves and... and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and... and DIE... I mean, I mean the storybooks are BULLSHIT. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and... and GET in my bed. Come on, come on, come on...

Nothing does rile my dogs more than paradise lost for no good reason, ah, but there's every good reason, isn't there, Kephas. My mist was [tense] no hell Mist. OK, it was part hell only as far as my dogs are partial to bad things.

My world was not only bolder, it had new content, and it wasn't only in star magazines or Google turning up new hits lol, seriously, I still remember feeling lucky -- totally by accident seeing the photo of a topless middle eastern bird and her cat(!) taken of them midair, she was falling back so gracefully on her bed, however she got that shot, it seemed it was (all) just for me, to test me -- because the bird of paradise was inside my chest to spend on whatever I wished up in the sensory form of any gapping hole in my ark I left without patch. I spent my soul magic alright but not that day...

> Show me first evidence how She sings through you and I will wink back @ ya . . .

I shall honor your one day of the week to bathe in absolute privacy, Melusine. Of course, if I had broken my Lover's Vow to my genie and blabbed to anyone, Nuit [don't ask] would have this frog's head [turn to stone].

Be-Bop-A-Lula, I don't mean maybe.

Jasun said...

Fescinating isn't it the high leveling of drollery and trollery, seems my ID is humming through soft and clear and de-lights to con-found, with a stubborn insistence on finding only the most unreasonable reasons and the clunkiest rhymes, thanks be to the three-c-ed one whose name is (NOT) Choir-on-Sun, thanks the Lard, as Marlon reaches for the butter and the sweet anima shows her marriage claws; i wont sue because she didn't give me what she promised, but sulk that i lost my slut, yes i will - for a while.

Theofilia said...

ahem CCC, I do declare the yoddling
sounds a weebit blurry, but She don't care;)

Theofilia said...

WV says "krefiend", which surely must mean, "empathic merging with" (I insist:)
Last night's adventure included (being with) a man with a truly great singing voice;)

CCC said...

Last thing I want is for the lasses to feel dirty, but you might want to give yourselves a good going-over reiki or something; hey, I'm just sad, personally, I don't know any practitioners of the art.

So, The LORD and LAW is the cheap motions of the SERPENT, now we know our lot in LIFE. Notice I excluded THE WORD, TRUTH, from my statement. Good lord, won't this come as a shock to the so called Christians, we can only hope.

Like something out of the asian Ring films, Well, I've shared her story thinking I should be right next time there's new content in TV guide, heck, She could have exited the void by way of the Television screen, bolts of lightning and all, I make colour maybe but I stress no exaggeration, I was picking out a Plasma at the time, maybe I was supposed to get my head bitten off, hah, try another one. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.

I jumbled together an unclear comment at the about how it turns out monogamy (being chaste) is analogous to polygamy (being chased by synchronicity) but my comment didn't get through, out of respect for my mentioned susceptibility to disenchantment or, in keeping with the hallowed [strike that] hollow sanctity of his site having had a gutful of my blubber [fat], I suspect the latter, which is way fine, Kris Kringle, his God could be served Well, you never can tell when the bottle's gonna slice, hey, Wang.

And I understand if, Kephas is fed up screening my comments. These eggs are overdone, besides, you take this Duck for a cannibal or something? More rhetoric that is.

Jasun said...

I don't screen 'em, I post 'em before I read them (but dont let it go to your egg)

Knowles probably does tho.

Some people don't appreciate the evolutionary potential of trolls.

CCC said...

Don't want to end up a cartoon / In a cartoon graveyard / Bonedigger Bonedigger

Unnecessarily how I've been handling my demons I've made sure to know is not how they should be handled. Calling others and myself on weaknesses with name calling, filthly scum bucket, the list goes on, yeah, whatever rhymes.

Reading the front page of your blog, Theofilia, your confrontations with comprehending-darkness-comprehending-not, are handled with a subtle skill. All the while I am nodding then with understanding I go to myself, Rightio... Joe. That's not meant to sound derogatory.

I guessed you'd done Reiki but meaning no offence, as over sensitive as I am, I possess the tendancy to be insensitive without sensitivity to gender when it comes to nothing being not done. Confused? Don't worry about it. I've a temper, like Her jealousy. Indeed, it takes me a period of 24 hours just to get over the crushing effect one of my posts has on my, soul, I guess, until there's another post made to patch the holes in my, pfft heaven, that I've dug for myself whether my comments were addressed, filled in or not, the holes are patched through time, and healed in an instant with forgettance through faithfulness to a new purpose.

Who am I trying to impress? The gut wrenching pain in my stomach at present, it must've been the raw garlic I ate with smoked tuna this morning, thank you very much, Drew Hempel. Oh, it wasn't street market fresh? Ehh, sarcasm.. Yes, yes, transmute. Sonic whatever, WHATEVER, vibrations from resting the backs of my feet on my thighs being in full [as in proper] lotus position, uh, uh, no. That's not to say, your proper full lotus doesn't assist in opening them lines to godliness and the poop chute. I'm willing to be naive to the point of naivity's ability to help me through. As aging science is finding out, belief and faith are powerful tools; the largely innocent ones [be s(he) of the world's religions or otherwise] are certainly not bereft of protection from the She-wield weapon, what strangely affords them their souls(' protection), better protection than what is I has. Meow!

PS. Sorry for liberating you, Steve Jobs. Well, it wasn't the army of the twelve monkeys that did it was it?

CCC said...

I need to take my own advice and fuck this shit. One time in band camp... nah... true story follows:

In one of my crying fit of furies I said to my family they would bow down...haha...and kiss my feet!

I picture them doing so, because they don't get it, it's not me, I do nothing, the glory's not mine.

It makes for good theatre nothing more to see them at my feet, I said you WOULD, not what I wanted!

Theofilia said...

CCC, once in a Vision I saw the Saviour's statue and ask for His blessing. Next instant, I/Soul, on my knees kissed his (real) bare feet (that kind of humility can't be faked because it bypasses the rational mind). I did that years after my head lit up like the Sun in 1990'for several minutes , and after I discovered I had a golden light aura which some call 'Merkabah'.

CCC, maybe you would feel better if you knew that I live like a hermit, that I wear (years ago purchased) cloths from Goodwill, and that I have no source of income.

pueokeokeo said...

Yo, triple C-dog

when you say this,

< I picture them doing so, because they don't get it, it's not me, I do nothing, the glory's not mine. >

I'm hearing you say that the glory is yours and this is why you apparently think that your feet are not your own which is why you sometimes have liked to imagine your family kissing your feet. That poor family of yours, thinking your feet are yours and demanding like they do that you take responsibility in their subtle manipulative ways !! Those bastards@!

It may not be what you want but it's what you create by attending (and tending to) such theaters. As you wish.

CCC said...

I hear you and thank you both. I don't wish to say another word and spoil anything, I don't want you forming any synapses around CCC.

What I want is for all of us to line up, brothers and sisters, to claim our birthright, don our floppy, star & crescent wizard hats, bow our heads and shuffle to la fete at galactic center, transported by the sounds of a magical chime as each of us achieve entry behind the stage curtain. And we'll be comforted there for all eternity.

What we have now is a damaged [dog bit master] older brother with a gun and the mindset to use it against his family. My dogs might want a confrontation with him or for him to off his dog and himself, the order he always says he's gonna do, just to be free of the emotional blockage of the lingering threat of kill or be killed, if that what comes down to, my dogs, I understand.

I went to his place, put my hand on his shoulder and cried my beating heart out once. Didn't and won't do shit 'cause of his faulty memory center, and that's a dangerous animal, we need nothing short of a miracle.

I got to go cover this up now, whatever be the bottle equivalent for me. Heineken?! Fuck that shit.

Jasun said...

You're like me.

Quite a cozy gathering here, bear feet, good will to hens and cartoon monkey remains inside family closets, candy colored clowns and ALL.

A ride! Now that's a good idea!

Theofilia said...

Hey CCC, takes a lot of guts to expose one's frikin' pain.
Takes a lot of trust too!
See? . . . no one here bit your head off, eh?
Why? because we 'know' what that's like . We all either had or still have shit to deal with.

CCC said...

READING you, neighbour, your neigh, loud and clear.
WISHING on a bone your comment to stand on its own,
NOTHING WOULD come from me, verily, can we all see.
WANTING one's MerArkBah so entails animal sacrifice
on the temple mount tsk what a foregone conclusion.

CCC said...

Steve's Job.

CCC said...

This is CCC patrolling, here's a great lightning-bolt-forehead intro to a sick game (that) God can (only now pfft) whip up on-the-fly thanks to the internets.

CCC said...

Mum: Bring washing inside! She sings out.

[the news sending grand-mother-informant
to "collect" ack from this moody bastard]

Me: You don't tell a cat, get in its bed.

Mum: I know, but a cat sometimes forgets.

CCC said...

And my sister, Mary [rolls eyes], is looking to die, go out in a blaze [how poetic], what, Maat don't appreciate dropping eaves? She'll never know.

You're not my problem, bitch!

Mother of God help me [aww wrong time?], why are people so thick headed. Why don't females, that means you Lot, self obviously included, WANT heaven enough to WISH for it? They don't know.

CCC said...

Not me. Well, this ain't me. I really don't behave like this, I'm immortal in my outlook, don't you know?

I'm not Jesus, no one can ever, ever be Jesus, apparently, no one can possibly measure up to sin(e) and live, but Jesus (the risen dead in) Christ, Lord of the Dead, can be you! $$

I can't be bothered pulling up that something-or-other even though he dies for me he lives quote, but there's always som'bitch that takes it too literally. You need a body. And every-body goes through hell. Keep going.

CCC said...

Jesus abhors sin there·fore Jesus harbours sin.

In both cases insert image of Mecca and Ka'bah.

CCC said...

Outlook not Good, young whippersnapper, hehehe!

CCC said...

In case one's wondering, yes, I am between bouts with the rubber chicken, yes, I am wasting time here with a hammer and nail. The size of it is, my shadow will take over boxing for me, no more rubber chicken, yo' dig?

pueokeokeo said...


you should write a bok of greatest hits. I'll save reading your scratch until then. Keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

"no more rubber chicken, yo' dig?"

do you mean you're going to cease masturbating?

CCC said...

I have a hold on it now, anon', I wouldn't lie to you, and I won't choke it in anger this round. As a father it's my duty, to do what must be done, so in future God is not mocked. Skull 'n' Bones shit. I'm thinking nudist fun.

CCC said...

A fair warning, typing this with my dick out.

Given to you, freely, She is OK, you are not allowed to take or make any graven...curves, ah what-the-hell called Rebecca.

In death, Mary is our problem.

CCC said...

This is a favourite.

CCC said...

All I ever wanted was to (be)hold you naked, Theofilia, let my dogs do my wishing for me.

Bad teach' is bad? Reiki time! huhuhu that's me for awhile what have I defiled your song?

CCC said...

I want to take it back ...Theofilia... but I meant my every word.

Word Verification: incessia

Anonymous said...

"In death, Mary is our problem."

Phase 3 Mary, Mary Quite Contrary in "death"/defeat/abdication of so-called ego?
Next stop Phase 4 Sophia stepping out of the page into the sensual world?
Isn't "she" said to be responsible for ALL projections, including shadow? And that "she" over identifies with the Self and wants to take over, ending individuation process prematurely? Rubber chicken vs. nocturnal emissions, who wins anyway? And who cares? Don't ask me.

CCC said...

Whatever you're doing (forbidden) has your soul.

I'm doing the same thing with music as when I'm ...

"omina, doke doe, onimea" is aborigine language. It means? roughly "running away from your life". - courtesy Youtuber, Chthon128.

Theofilia said...

Hey CCC, u^wanto to see me naked at 21?
check it out@

want*2 see who/what She really is?

check out Theofilia's "For Hypathia of Alexandria With Love" blog entry from Nov/16/09

With Love,

pueokeokeo said...

C's wrote:
< I'm doing the same thing with music as when I'm ...

"omina, doke doe, onimea" is aborigine language. It means? roughly "running away from your life" >

What does "running away from your life" mean to an aborigine person? What's to run away from when you live with the Dreamtime? Please don't tell me that masturbation is big problem for them too. That would really shatter my hopes. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't have any hope as I sit her and stroke the Big Pig dangling from my flaccid rubber chicken (from this laptop).

CCC said...

> Please don't tell me that masturbation is big problem for them too.

Just the glue sniffing and pavement licking and oh nevermind... I what them to return to their former glory. In my frog dreaming time... in my quest, I was bearing their flag colours. My grandma told your grandma: "I'm gonna set your flag on fire.", pueokeokeo.


CCC said...

T h e o f i l i a
marching orders
don't post shit
Listen to Bowman.

CCC said...


Jasun said...

Hey 3C - time to start your own blog maybe - WHAT D'YA SAY?

CCC said...

I'm just kicking myself for not using Bowman's other handle, David.

Character aligned and everything, that's my ass-burgers playing up.

Ah, jack, jacking off again. Ah, fuck I gotta shit. Morning coffee.

Jasun said...

OK CCC your quotient's up

playful interaction = fine; attention junky = not fine

CCC said...

OK, Paul.

Anonymous said...

I was going to post something witty but then i saw the word verification: