Thursday, June 14, 2012

Why Do I Maintain This Blog?


I ask myself this question from time to time. The last time was this morning, after receiving the following anonymous comment:
Such a disappointment.. I fully agree with William. Since being introduced to your writing, you have brought many insights into my life that synchronistically spoke to some very trying personal experiences. Aeolus always struck me as someone who was cracking open in the best sense, and hitting on pertinent truths in a way that would help many others embarking on the very same journey. Having said that, this "Dave" business is such a crock of shit that it shocks me to see you falling into it. I trust you still haven't handed the man A SINGLE DOLLAR of yours. You say you aren't "trying to copy him, be more like him" yet several sentences later you say you "represent" him. You seem to be a very discerning fellow and though I gather you've had a very challenging several years (I am Sebastian as well), I will trust that you won't fall too far down this pit before you catch yourself. Fancy semantics and clever touchettes aside, I trust your innermost knows what the fuck it's doing... Good "luck" Jason.
Apparently some of my blog readers want to “save” me from my latest “folly.”

I cite this anonymous comment as an example of the most annoying sort of feedback I get. It seems like it is friendly and supportive, but the professed concern is patronizing and insulting, and its function is more to soften me up for the blows than anything. It's based on the premise that I have been suckered and that I need someone who knows nothing about it to tell me how I have been suckered.

What does this person want? It’s a complex question, but it’s a question that ties into the main one: why do I keep up this blog when it’s generating this sort of passive aggressive, uninformed “concern.” First he describes how he has benefited from my insights, after which he accuses me sharply of falling for a “crock of shit.” He doesn’t say why it’s a crock of shit. Apparently stating his opinion strongly enough is supposed to deter all arguments. (That’s called bullying.) His actual intent, however unconscious (and when someone is this angry they usually aren’t very conscious) is to belittle me and put me in an inferior position to himself.

What is he so angry about? Why does he mention that he shares a name with my brother?  What is his superiority (combined with a presumptuous sort of intimacy) based on? None of this is revealed. All that is clear is that this person is angry, which means he is afraid, and that his show of concern is just that: a show. It does not extend as far granting me the space and freedom to find myself, but is only an attempt to intimidate me (or others observing) into backing him up in his unintrospected and unproven fears—whatever they may be. (Something to do with being tricked into trusting an untrustworthy teacher/father/brother figure, perhaps?)

This blog offers a service, a free one, and for whatever it’s worth. For someone to benefit from this free service and then to complain about it—to profess to know more than I do about my own “product” (insights)—isn’t just rude—it’s ridiculous. It reminds me of Dylan fans (I was never one) calling him a sell-out for going electric. It’s so illogical, in fact, that there can only be some deeper emotional reaction underneath it. Apparently this person believes, like those angry Dylan fans, that I and my insights belong to him, and is threatened by any extraneous influences jeopardizing his “supply.”

Moving on to the other end of the spectrum, I also receive kind and supportive comments, such as this one:
It's a noble endeavour. As Ray Menezes says, there is no other task more important than getting to the bottom of the this [sic] conundrum. Bravo Jason, if we were sane we'd all be following your lead.
Naturally, I agree with the sentiments expressed here 100%. I very much doubt if this person knows any more about Dave Oshana than the other commentator, but then he doesn’t need to. He's not casting judgment on Oshana, he’s responding to what I wrote. He perhaps goes a bit too far with his encouragement, since I don’t want anyone to follow my lead, exactly, although I do want people to think about what I write and apply it to their own lives. (And I am very happy if I hear someone has checked out Dave’s “product”—why, because I think it’s a damn fine product! I wonder if I would get the same sort of flack if I was recommending a friend’s music or art work?)

In a sense, the first comment quoted here, annoying as it may be, is more useful to me, because it underscores the sort of blind prejudice and emotional resistance that exists out there to the idea of enlightenment, and/or the possibility that it might be a real goal—one which we can be guided and supported towards by others (even at a price—shock, horror!).

I don’t want to make this about Dave Oshana. Really. But anyone who reads this blog who then comes to me with allegations, accusations, or simply voicing their skepticism about him is wasting their time. Why? Because if they want to find out about Dave, they can go directly to his site, online classes, or book a one-to-one with him, and find out for themselves. And if they already know it’s a crock, because it’s so obvious, then instead of trying to save me from my naiveté, hey man, just go back to your early Dylan records, and enjoy the memory of better days.

The person you thought I was, and any the insights you thought I had for you, never existed. There is only this moment. And right now—Aeolus is going electric! (Not literally; I left my guitar in Guatemala.)


48 comments:

subliminal observer said...

I'm a worried man, got a worried mind
No one in front of me, no one behind
There's a woman on my lap and she's drinking champagne.
Got white skin, got assassin's eyes
I'm looking up into the sapphire tinted skies
I'm well dressed, waiting on the last train.
Standin' on the gallows with my head in a noose
Any minute now I'm expectin' all hell to break loose.
People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm outta range
I used to care, but things have changed.

This place ain't doing me any good
I'm in the wrong town, I should be in Hollywood
Just for a second there I thought I saw something move
Gonna take dancing lessons do the jitterbug rag
Ain't no shortcuts, gonna dress in drag
Only a fool in here would think he's got anything to prove.
Lot of water under the bridge, lot of other stuff too
Don't get up gentlemen, I'm only, I'm only passing through.
People are crazy, times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

I've been walking forty miles of bad road
If the bible is right, the world will explode
I'm trying to get as far away from myself as I can.
Things are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
You can't win with a losin' hand.
Feel like fallin' in love with the first woman I meet
Puttin' her in a wheel barrow, wheelin' her down the street.
People are crazy, times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care, but things have changed.

I hurt easy, I just don't show it
You can hurt someone and not even know it
The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity.
Gonna get low down, gonna fly high
All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie
I'm in love with a woman that don't even appeal to me.
Mr. Jinx and Miss Lucy, they, they jumped in the lake
I'm not that eager, not that eager to make a mistake.
People are crazy, times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm outta range
I used to care, but things have changed.

Jasun said...

source

wonder boys - one of my favorite movies!

subliminal observer said...

cool.knew you would get the reference........good movie,GREAT song............we are all searching for
past promise, future success and a sense of purpose,howver all the truth in the world is one big lie,as you say NOW is all there is.
Hope you find peace!!

David Raymond Davis said...

Well written and well thought out. I will simply state my wishes that you find what you seek, and that you continue to share your journey with the rest of us...for the sake of the good it has done and might yet do. I always read, rarely comment, always share, reference your work in my own writing, and sincerely believe in the importance of your contributions to us all.

The Croaker said...

The only anger I see is in your response to a frank and direct comment, that's how people who are being honest speak.

You maintain this blog because you are gratified by the attention, maybe sell a few books and to cultivate a community of like minded thinkers.

People have grown fond of you over the years. If you personally document as you have over the past year, your loss and disillusionment at two key male figures in your life then concern from people who have followed your work shouldn't be cause for surprise.

Frankly speaking you could have a copy of "The Secret" full of post-it notes and meditate in front of a homemade shrine to Noel Edmonds, your personal beliefs are just that and the guru-groupieism is not what makes your musings worthwhile or the measure of your work.

Jasun said...

It wasn't an honest comment at all and I think I showed why not.

I acknowledged my own irritation and explained it, unlike the commenter.

Neither is it honest to tell someone why they do something as a statement of fact. It's merely presumptuous, and in this case, erroneous. (I do like attention, yes, though not this kind.)

It also missed the point: the commentator wasn't expressing genuine concern, IMO, but using a veneer of concern to disguise an ulterior agenda. If someone isn't willing to allow experience to be their guide then they stay frozen inside their unproven prejudices. The only alternative is to drop them. The only way to discover what is true is to dare to experience and leave the icy security of prejudice behind. The overriding agenda of the comment, IMO, was to refute my experience and to recruit me into supporting them in their prejudice.

Your own comment helps to further zero in on my dilemma. Whatever my reasons were for maintaining a blog in the past, they are, like everything else, mutating and evolving. Comments like this strengthen the feeling I have that whatever community I have "created" is not made up of like-minded thinkers, at all. I would like to reduce it, in fact, to people who are genuinely interested by and supportive of what I am doing, and who are able to grok it - as compared to the prejudiced and fearful who are crying "guru-groupiedom," or whatever other inadequately thought out charges.

I don't want to practice censorship, but nor do I want to spend time confronting commenters on what I see as their ignorance or dishonesty. I would like in future to only publish and respond to what I consider honest and thoughtful questions from people who genuinely wish to participate in these explorations. All others can go vent their fears and objections elsewhere. I cordially invite them to unsubscribe to this blog.

I expect there will be the usual objections to this, since part of my MO has been to allow every kind of criticism and dissent. But my focus is changing, and those who were drawn to that particular brand of AnarKic spirit are in any case likely to be no longer interested in my current "product"; hopefully, it will all even out naturally.

Thanks for listening.

The Croaker said...

J, my answers to "Why Do I Maintain This Blog?" were not statements of fact, just three of my opinions in answer to the question posed, two based on what I have heard you say and the book thing was prefaced with a maybe, so maybe not as well. Obviously there is more to it than what I stated and as with any creative endeavor is open to as you say, mutation and evolution.

I've been following your work since the Levenda interviews on SW but have never considered myself a part of any community on the net and have always found the paths you've followed bold and honest, If not for me personally.

The "guru-groupieism" was a poor attempt at humor. I have no desire or ability to persuade you to not find a guru. I am curious how you feel about people you may have turned on to John only to find out yourself he was not who you thought he was and the possibility of this happening again with Dave. Good name for a guru though, reminds me of the Will Self book. As Jerry Sadowitz once said, "There'd be fewer problems in the world if Allah had a name like Marvin or Derek."

You blog/podcasts have never raised fear in me Jason, just questions, which I assumed was the point. I won't be unsubscribing but will refrain from commenting again as I doubt I fit the bill as a disciple.

Thank you for sharing yourself over these years, my respect for you and your work remains and I wish you well with your new focus.

Jasun said...

Thanks. That was a nice friendly post up until the jab at the end.

I don't mind disagreement - I've even forged something like friendships out of them - so long as they are honestly expressed and motivated by something besides competitive ego. Unfortunately, I have seen my share of the latter and I think I've become quite sensitive (in both senses of the word) to recognizing it.

I didn't address your earlier comment about how "people have grown fond of [me] over the years." It's a curious fact that emotional involvement so often leads to a backlash. I appreciate fondness as much as the next guy, but not when it's a form of emotional investment which I am expected to return. I dare say those angry Dylan fans had grown fond of Bob, too! Anyway, thanks for commenting. I'll pass on your message to "Dave."

In a side note, referring to someone as a guru who doesn't actually meet the criteria is a good example of knee-jerk-ism. It may seem like harmless humor, if so intended, but I don't think it's either humorous or harmless. It's just inaccurate.

The Croaker said...

As I break my promise to not comment...

The disciple joke was a playful one and no malice was intended, it was equally just an admittance that I probably don't meet the requirements you outlined earlier. I apologise if I've been to familiar but I'm just myself and type as I would normally speak, without fear of treading on eggshells. I am always happy to remedy misunderstanding as text doesn't lend itself to the cadence and tone that plays in my head.

I regret not introducing myself to you sooner, via SWEDA, but am fortunate enough to have a handful of close friends who have been meeting regularly for the past 20 years for similar deconstructions and exorcisms. It was a joy to hear such medicine brought to podcast form, truly a great service and as with all great art it let people know they are not alone.

The fondness I spoke of (and of course I can only speak for myself) Is due to your natural ability to be an open wound without vulnerability and always an eye to optimism. I honestly expect nothing from you Jason and the hours I've spent listening to/reading your words was time well spent with no regrets and many gifts along the way, thank you. As for the Dylan analogy, He could fart through a walkie-talkie while shouting at traffic and I'd be glad he's still out there creating... likewise yourself. If you keep getting there every mode of transport is valid and you're correct, my reaction to Dave was knee-jerk. I hold my hands up, I was a dick speaking from a point of knowing nothing about the man, thanks for calling me out.

Jasun said...

You mean "with vulnerability," right?

Maybe you could get a suggestion to Bob for his new album?

: D

The Croaker said...

No, I meant without, as in no matter how much it's appeared to be falling apart, you never play for pity and always stood your ground. Maybe it was a poor choice of words.

He's already done it, it was his mid-80's CB bescumber period.

Kutamun said...

Ahh, rhe fabled city of the pyramids, the dark caves where all manner of strange beings dwell, the sublime feeling of being dismembered as the ego struggles to maintain its identity as the dark light envelops it.

"I believe there is a perichoresis , an interpenetration . It is possible , indeed , that we are now sitting among desolate rocks, by bitter streams ..... And with what companions".

- Arthur Machen

William Hunter Duncan said...

I find it interesting that you commented at length on the anonymous comment, but not on the commenter who was named, who in part inspired the anonymous comment. You called me hoodwinked. I'm going to call you touchy, and not really ready to be challenged seriously. I recommend, ask yourself why you got so emotionally worked up about some juvenile name calling, but then passed off my comments blithely as someone who cannot see? Just sayin, seeker of the stone.

Anonymous said...

Arthur Machen... I loved this author when I was young.. But in Spain a few books were translated and published..in the eighties I think he was memeber of the Golden Dawn sect..or similar

Nacho

Jasun said...

William: what did I blithely pass over? I thought I responded to all your comments.

Jasun said...

And how is this line of questioning cum personal criticism helpful? Plz explain.

Jasun said...

"You called me hoodwinked. I'm going to call you touchy, and not really ready to be challenged seriously."

I went and checked and saw that you ignored my long and considered answer to your original criticism. So who here is not ready to be challenged seriously?

Calling this present post "emotionally worked up" seems a bit disingenuous. I am drawing boundaries, and if you were genuinely supporting what I am doing, you'd support that.

I always try to respond thoughtfully to well-thought out and honest questions and even "challenges." There haven't been many of the former from you however, but mostly the latter. It's unfriendly and feels invasive - so why would you expect warm responses?

*booby* with Jasun said...

Harry Ellis: You know that guy that's fucking things up upstairs,
[sits down]
Harry Ellis: *I* can give him to you.
[Grins]

operating logic...
the last big score
what you dodo well
staring temptation
is a decision made
not against whoIam
your white knight.

who am I in faith?
you don't know me.

cat's back to bed.

[mouthing silently] Golden Dawn?

Marg Verite said...

I will read this through later and comment.

For now, you came to mind yesterday when i watch the horrendous "Avengers"

One point of pleasure there,of very few, was that "LOKI" resembled what I imagine you look like.

And he played dark brother to THOR. FWIW. LOL

Been on the "Dark Brother" trail / sync anyway.

MISS YOU.

http://twitpic.com/9xzadk

Marg Verite said...

Would love if you felt better and came on over to the Sync Forum...

Can you visit the U.S. ? Come visit in RL!

angela said...

For what it's worth, I've found Cesar Teruel's videos helpful, or at least intriguing, especially his earlier ones.

http://www.here-now-tv.com/index.php?id=346

I like the notion that ego is thoughts, mind, and how one has to somehow try to accustom oneself to silence by perhaps just observing intently? Sometimes I become aware of how incapable I am of not constantly feeding or being involved with thought, it sometimes seems that all thought is delusion.

Anonymous said...

hello Jason,

I have been reading your work since "Matrix Warrior". Over the years, I have been horrified and rendered, at times, "clinically insane" by just how deep the "rabbit hole" goes.

I keep coming back to your work.

I must admit I have my doubts about Dave Oshana -- but I have never met the man nor been in his immediate presence, and cannot deny or verify the "no-mind" effect he seems to have on people who share his company. While I understand the perspective of some of your critics, if not really the manner in which they choose to express their skepticism, I believe you are pursuing the most worthwhile (even that word seems vulgar and inappropriate) project available to our weird species.

I am not familiar with all of your work -- have you rejected the many paths of so-called Eastern Teachings which deal with the pursuit of enlightenment? And I am not sure of the "reasons" you may have rejected the occult/magickal approach. That may all be old news...

In any case, it is my (perhaps egoic) hope that you continue blogging and writing.

It is also my hope that "enlightenment" isn't yet another source of alienation and loneliness. Whether the world is a delicious oyster or an infinite nightmare -- I am always comforted by the awareness that, however alone I may feel on this journey, there are others also struggling on their own paths to the same peak.

Thank you for your work.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Thinking of you. Curious, about what you've learned. I'll keep checking in. Contrary to what you might think, based on the little exchange we have had, if you remember it, I do value your perspective.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Aeolus,

Always searching, I found this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4Jcv9kFI4M

I especially like the blue cup, and the two shirts that match the art in the background, a man speaking some profound spiritual truths. A true shaman, at the edge, always. Stay true.

William Hunter Duncan said...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2005/dec/10/familyandrelationships1

And then I'm like, Yeah, he's here for a reason.

Chrystopher Reagan said...

"Why Do I Maintain This Blog?"

Because you are an evolutionary. When you accept this you will move through the phases even faster than you already do.

It's never done and it's never wrong.

Thank you for the things you do. And the things you don't. I love you, my enemy.

Chrystopher Reagan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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