Not for You

whatever we are not ok with
is what we must experience
otherwise how are we going to be ok with it?
either i find a way to be ok
with being like my father
or i end up like him
i have no third option
it's the same with everything
all down the line
that's why nothing works
but surrender
surrender is being ok
with absolutely everything
forever
total freedom
it's the easiest thing there is
okayness is the only thing we need
any time
and its always right there
inside the knowing
it is right next to the truth
of our utter insignificance
that ability to move
while being within the utter insignificance
is hard
in my case, literally
so then, I get to be ok
with an inability to move
that is the essence of it
never ever move
when there is even the slightest resistance
that's the pathless path
that's surrender
and that's freedom
there is no way to ever fail on that "path"
because the moment "doing" isn't working
you go back to being
the trick is letting go
the first moment you know
that your doing
is taking you away
from what you know
just let it go
not making it 'work' for you
because everything already works just fine
just not for you

shamanic dismemberment

shamanic dismemberment underway
it's a fine line, between accepting and surrendering
and being passive and defeated
let go of thoughts and feelings about the pain
the internal dialogue gets hold of those signals
and interprets them
as a defense
there is one thing that i can appreciate about it
it is bringing an inner condition to the surface
my lameness is now manifest
there is a sort of relief in that
no way to hide it anymore
i get to find out, if the wound is critical
if my distortions can be integrated
has my life been straight enough
to cancel out my father's
deviations?
the real question isn't am i i fucked or not
but am i ok with being fucked
or not?
it's already been decided anyway
where i get to contribute
is by paying attention or not
can i be neutral enough to be curious
about my dismemberment?
the process
pain is awakening
awakening = pain
dismemberment is energetic
losing the human form?
i am becoming more ok with death anyhow
everything that happens to us
is the result of some sort of sorcery or another
the point of no return has been reached
it's my own fault
for preaching so much
now i get to practice

fundamental paradox

there's a fundamental paradox
at the core of "you"
your identity hinges on being alone
yet alone is the one thing
you can never be
alone = all one
only G*d is allone
alchemical partners will never see eye to eye
want to know why?
because they are facing the same direction
all that leaves is merging
into that forward motion
this separateness
is what all couples strive for
but don't dare to get to
it isn't possible unless both are individuated
individuated means you can let the other be themselves
a separate being
and be ok with that separation
then like two substances, fusion can happen
at a shallow level
it means allowing one's hate for the other
to be there
hate can destroy a relationship
if its not allowed to enter into the mix
hate is not personal
it's the result of making love personal
confining it to the personal
that is doing violence to one's being
indifference, the higher octave of hatred
both are the opposite of love
and giving the other freedom
to be what they are
requires some indifference
hate is the result of not being ok
with the other's difference
BE LIKE ME!!
or else....
we get to be indifferent
to the reality of our differences
and after all
that's the joy of sex
our difference

Infinite Waters Interview

More Poems from SWEDA exchanges

dis-enmeshment blues
it is hardest of all
to dis-enmesh with close ones
it is like betraying
and being betrayed
we only ever open our mouths
when we want something
i am feeling that so acutely today
i couldn't even say it
to my closest other
it was like i wanted something
by saying it
it is a frightening thought
and undercuts everything
it goes back to being an infant
crying when hungry
and later, "look at me daddy!"
as adults
what do we need?

love & death
i am searching
only and always
for a more honest way of being
it isn't complicated
or mysterious
there is only one thing to be looked at
how honest am i being now?
what do i know?
with loved ones
we only really know two basic things
we love them
and they are going to die
we may know other stuff
but these two knowings are profound
and love is not complete
without the knowing
of death
else we treat those we love
as if they will always be around
as long as we are thinking of death
as a negative
then we are not in a knowing
how can what is a part of life
be negative?
if you strip away all the intellectual fear
death is a negative for one reason only
we do not want to say goodbye
to those we love
life is hardly long enough
to say a proper hello
and then we are gone
at the time
the moments were eternal
the summers endless
and now
they are gone, gone, gone
either those moments still exist
somewhere
or they don't
we know they still exist
we are speaking of them now
but the sadness of their passing
out of our senses
is so profound
THAT is life
profound sorrow is a part of life
it can be allowed to be present
ALL TIMES

baby eyes
do we look at the sun
or do we look at the ground?
looking is not that important
seeing is
for a tree to ask that question
would be absurd
we get to let go of all we do
to keep the wounds out of awareness
because everything we do
for that reason
is bogus
compulsive
destructive
we cross a million lines of knowing
to avoid those wounds
it becomes impossible to grow
a flower that wants to see the sun
and not the earth
won't allow its roots to go deep
it will never see the sun
only an idea of what the sun might be
we have not even sprouted yet
we think this is life, but it isn't
not yet
the sun is LIKE something you feel
when you expect nothing
and then feel it glowing
all over you
an unexpected gift
expect nothing
it is not easy to do
imagine living a life that way
expecting nothing
with baby eyes

shamans and men
what's wrong isn't our actions
but our rationalizations
if we let go of the rationalizations
then our actions change of their own accord
no longer supported
everything needs to be questioned
examined
a shaman, they say,
is gifted at healing those
who were wounded as he was
in the same capacity
what he did not get as a child
he is adept at giving to others
there is a big difference
between what a shaman does
and what an average man does

sweda exchanges made poems

holding space

what you care about
you cannot protect
from this world
from you
we only protect that which is important to us
personally
guarding our investments
you cannot afford to care about
what is in your care
no stillness
no inner silence
no protection
when we protect our interests
we forget that it is all going
that we can't secure anything
nor do we need to
it enmeshes
and keeps the person we are "protecting"
from growing
so they don't grow away from us
and so we can't grow either
as if by expanding
we are moving further away
when the reverse is true
you can hold a space
for those in your care
and never let it not be there
that space of stillness
and inner silence
that is protection and care
only that space


boundaries

when there is a feeling
of where the boundary is
with the other
that is a very good feeling
the feeling of do not cross!
which makes it ok
to say anything
how does it manifest, not having boundaries?
in lack of spirit
forever giving up one's own space
to make room for another
terrible
one result is
we can only ever see the other
either as a threat
or as a source of need
or to meet a need
predatorreality
enmeshment is a jungle

Opaque Lens Draws Aeolus the Esoterrorist Out of His Hole in Afganistan

Chat with Niall on Hampstead Heath about War of the Worlds and the Sublime-Ness of Catastrophic Death, on Shamanic Freedom Radio # 69. Download here.

Aeolus Kephas joins the chat, talking about how his view of the world was particularly apocalyptic leading up to 911, and that 911 was a positive day because it was a ‘tear in consensus reality’, but in the long term, consensus reality became more restricted. Aeolus also theorises that 911 may have been a ripple back in time from a more apocalyptic event in the future. Also mentioned it Neo’s (Thomas Anderson’s) passport in the matrix expiring on Sep 11 2001 (the film was released in 1999).

The Path of Knowledge

without the desire to be a somebody

who would embark upon the path of knowledge?

accepting that we are nobody

feels like being a real somebody

how many people can accept they are nobody?

the flaw in the sorcerers path

is it attempts to transform the person

by will

but the person doesn't need to be transformed

what makes it seem in need of transformation

is that it is so shallow

so then, let it be that

there is a transformation

but it's not what it seems

"and nothing has changed, yet nothing's the same"

everything is changed equally

and we see that it was always that way

and we laugh and laugh

time is not linear

so death is not an end

we make time linear

in order to exist as selves

and that conjures death into the picture

the shadow of the self

quite beautiful really

past the terror of it

always with you

the self

wooing

not quite understanding

why we are so afraid of our own natures

a billion billion thought forms

created from that primal fear

a billion billion ways to be not okay

and we get to experience every last one

cheer up

we just wrote another poem

The Thing About Gurus

from Stormy Weather forum:

SWEDA isn't a realm for spiritual discussions and it doesn't promote "spiritual" disciplines or a "spiritual path." Spirituality as a word and even a concept is very much anathema to the SWEDA "method."

SWEDA does encourage and nurture an on-going dialogue with an animistic reality, however, and many would regard that as "spiritual," so in the end it comes down to words. At SWEDA, those who practice viewing their daily reality as an on-going dialogue with a conscious Universe see that it is as pragmatic an approach to existence as plumbing or carpentry. This is why the term "spiritual" seems to me to be a misnomer.

However, Doug Lain (of diet soap) is correct to the degree that reason is insufficient to a deeper experience of reality as I and others in the group perceive it. Reason depends on all reality being quantifiable and broken into parts. An animistic perception of reality does not allow us to separate ourselves from our environment, not even theoretically, much less practically.

As for knowings and universal truths; they exist, but by definition they must be corroborated by a person's own experience to be fully known: truth cannot be passed on or learned, it can only be embodied. A "guru" embodies truth, a "disciple" matches the guru and embodies the same truth him or herself, and so "owns" it.

The greatest challenge and potential for guru-disciple roles is for the disciple to experience the guru as his or her future self, and the guru to interact with the disciple as his own past self, an aspect of his being still being integrated and fully understood. There is then an implicit understanding and acceptance, both of equality and lack of equality, between the two parties. The guru is merely one who has, as mentioned above, gone further and deeper into his own unconscious, thereby making it conscious. He has cleared up space previously occupied by socially programmed patterns, a space that his (true) being can move into and occupy.

The guru's person is no more advanced than the disciple's or anyone else's; it is, on the contrary, reduced, and it is this reduction that allows a true(r) way of being to show through. Anyone who recognizes that, and manages not to fall for the allure of charisma and personality of the "guru," will eventually see that what they are seeing in the guru exists in themselves - and that they are only able to see it at all because it exists in themselves. At which time, the guru is no longer a guru, but merely a future point of reference by which the disciple, now student, can, if need be, check his own inner compass of knowing.

The sort of "knowings" or universal truths that are preached and practiced at SWEDA have nothing to do with inorganic beings or any other sort of occult realities, however. They don't pertain to anything that can't be confirmed (eventually) through direct action and experience.

For example: honesty is the only way to act responsibly in our lives, and dishonesty is therefore an invalid approach to any circumstances, under any and all circumstances.

This is an absolute truth that anyone who is honest with themselves will have to admit to, eventually and however much trial and error they insist upon before admitting it. It is only "spiritual" insofar as it seems idealistic or unrealistic to those who have practiced dishonest ways of being for most of their lives, in keeping with the social contract of enmeshment which says, among other things, that it is better to lie or distort our true natures than to hurt another person's feelings or give offense.

We have been trained from birth in dishonest ways of being, to the degree that the idea of practicing honesty at all times seems not only a rigorous and ascetic discipline, but an abstract, spiritual or "moral" path. But when put into practice, it quickly becomes apparent that honesty is, simply and logically, the only true way of being there is.